Shadow Spirit
by Transient Tears
Summary: AU. I've always loved him since that day – the day when he saved me from them. I will always be his shadow spirit. Full sum. inside! This is a valentine fic! A gift for hanyaan/Esa MaRie of Amicus and for my readers!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice or any of its characters. All of it belongs to Higuchi Tachibana.**

**Claimer: I own the plot and nothing else.**

-x-

**Shadow Spirit**

**Summary:**I've always loved him since that day – the day when he save me from them. But it was always a one-sided love. It was always me who loved him. He was soft when it came to me – or I guess he was – but I hated seeing him in another girl's arm. I will always be his shadow spirit.

-x-

"_M-m-mommy!"_

"_Stay away from me! You killed my parents!"_

"_I-I-I didn't. I-i-it was an a-a-accident."_

"_There's no such thing as accident in this world. You purposely killed them. You're a murderer!"_

"_I-I-I'm not! M-m-mommy!"_

"_Stay away from me! If it wasn't because of your Alice, they shouldn't be dead!"_

"_M-m-mommy. You don't love me."_

"_M-my b-body. W-what a-are y-you d-d-doing t-to m-my b-body? I-I-I c-can't m-move"_

"_You don't love me. You've always hated me. I've always loved you but you don't. I'll make you suffer just like I did to them."_

"_Y-y-you! Y-y-you're the o-one w-w-who k-k-killed t-t-those k-kids! Y-y-you're a m-m-murderer!"_

I shot up from bed. It was those dreams again. I didn't want to remember it but it kept coming back to me. I tilted my head to look at the mirror and found myself sweating not because of the weather, because it was winter here in Japan, but because of those dreams. I was still panting heavily when I wiped the sweat from my face.

My door suddenly shot open, revealing a short-haired woman. "Hotaru, what are you doing here?" I asked my best friend. Her usual stoic face was replaced by concern. Concern for me, I knew about that. I'd always known.

"I heard you screaming so I rushed here. Did you have those dreams again?" she asked. I didn't nod nor did I look at her. I looked at the ceiling and found myself crying. I'd promised myself not to cry anymore but what was the meaning of these tears?

"You don't need to cry, Mikan. You could always rely to me," she said as if it were easy to do. I didn't want to be a burden to Hotaru anymore. She was always there for me when I needed her.

"Thank you, Hotaru. What time is it, anyway?"

"Six in the morning, we still have time to go to school. Well then, I'll go back to my dorm and prepare. School will start at seven-thirty," I nodded at her and waited until she went out of my room.

I got up from my bed and did my things. I must have forgotten my manners! Oh yeah, name's Mikan Sakura, currently 17 years old, and is studying here in Gakuen Alice as one of the stupidest Alice users. I am currently holding the Nullification Alice. I forgot to say but I have this auburn hair that reached my waist but I always tied it in pigtails. I also have these brown eyes, which I got from my mother, and I hated it.

Everyone knew me as the stupid and bubbly Mikan. But those were just a big lie. I always hid my true self from them and kept this poker face. I was good at it. Only Hotaru and that _person_knew about my true self. The Mikan, who was a murderer, the Mikan, who took the lives of innocent children, and the Mikan who always hid behind the darkness. That was the real Mikan. That was the real me.

I was looking down when I noticed water drops on my carpet and that my eyes started to get blurry. Not again. I promised myself that I won't cry anymore, that I won't look back at my mistakes. The more I think about it, the more I got depressed.

I took out the razor blade from my pocket and cut my wrist. I watched as the blood ooze out from my flesh. I didn't cut too deep. I tried avoiding any veins. I still wanted to live but with all this sadness and depression I'm feeling, I just didn't know if I still wanted to. I tried focusing on the pain, and at last, it worked. I've forgotten everything, only the pain matters.

I watched as two different drops drop on the carpet. One was a deep blood color and the other was transparent. I stared as the two mixed up making a light red color. My head started spinning and it seemed like I will lose consciousness soon.

I was in that state when someone suddenly barged inside. It was _him_. He was the least person I wanted to see. My worst nightmare came. I looked at his face before I let the darkness eat my whole entirety. Was that concern I saw on his face?

-x-

"Mikan!"

"MIKAN!"

I heard voices calling my name. Who are they?

"MIKAN! WAKE UP!"

What the? I slowly opened my eyes only to be greeted by the sun rays peeking out through the window. I had always hated the sun; it reminded me of that day – the day when I killed my family. I looked around and saw my classmates. What the heck are they doing here?

"Mikan! We're glad you're awake now! Gosh, you're unconscious for one whole freaking week!" Sumire blurted out.

"We're really worried about you. Hotaru said you passed out because of the weather since its winter and many students passed out because of it," Yuu said. He really was smart, always knowing what was happening around the Academy.

"Mikan, we made this soup for you. We hope you like it," Anna and Nonoko came to me holding a tray.

There was the soup they cooked, there was also a glass of water and some pills, and of course, the utensils I needed to use.

They placed the tray in front of me. I gladly took it from them. I thanked them before eating the food. The soup was great, Anna was really good at cooking, and I bet even if she didn't have an Alice, she would still be good at it. I finished my food and thanked them again. I took another glass of water from Hotaru and drank my medicine.

We talked for hours until it was already time for goodbyes. They went to their dorms and I was glad they already did. I loved them because they were my friends but I can't do this anymore. It only added to my depression. I can't hide my real feelings to them anymore! I don't want to be forever trapped in this darkness.

And that was when I decided to do what I should've done a long time ago. I pulled out the dextrose in my arm, not caring about the blood that was flowing freely out of my arm. I didn't care about what was happening in the world right now.

I jumped from the window and landed softly to the ground. I just ran and ran until I reach the sakura tree. It was unusual since I really thought that my feet will bring me some place where I could ease my pain. I guess this was the only place where I felt peaceful. I continued walking up to the tree and leaned at its trunk. I sighed. I looked up at the starless sky and stayed that way for a while.

What will happen if I just kill myself right here, right now? What if I didn't have this Alice, will I be able to live a normal life? Will mother love me for who I am? I didn't know what to think anymore. It just kept coming back to me. I didn't want that. I didn't want the same thing happen again.

I was walking away from the tree when a voice spoke from above. "Don't run," it was a familiar voice but I couldn't comprehend who it belonged to. Was it him?

I turned around, and that was when I saw him. Natsume, the person who always teased me, and he was also the same person who found me long time ago. It was his fault why I was here in this Academy.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him. I know this tree belongs to him or so that was what he said, but I didn't expect him to be in this place, this late at night.

"What did you do to your arm?" he asked back. I looked at my arm and saw it bleeding. So it didn't stop, huh?

"None of your business," I said to him. I didn't mind about the blood that was coming out. I stared straight at those eyes I loathed the most. If it wasn't because of him I shouldn't have been here. But if it also wasn't because of him, maybe I was long gone in this world.

"Everything about you is my business," Saying that I wasn't shocked was an understatement.

Since when did he care for me? He always treated me as if I was dirt. Whenever we saw each other we didn't do anything but fight. Everyone knew that we're mortal enemies, so why did he care?

"Why do you care?" I voiced out my thought after I recovered from the shock. His expression didn't change one bit but there was something in his eyes I couldn't comprehend. He didn't answer instead he walked away. "Hey! Answer my question!" I yelled at him but he didn't listen. I watched his retreating figure and for the first time in my life I smiled a true smile.

-x-

It had been a week since that incident happened. Up until now, I didn't know why I didn't continue my true intention. I was walking in the hallway when I heard voices coming from outside. Because curiosity killed the cat, I took a peek at the window nearby. It was him! But who was the girl beside him? I've never seen her before. Was she… Was she his girlfriend? I knew that he was a playboy but they said he hardly hooked up girls right now, so why?

My assumption was answered when he kissed that girl. They seem so right together but what was this ache I was feeling inside my chest? Why did it hurt so much? I found myself running away. But why? Why was I running away? I clutched my chest as if it will help me get the pain away but it didn't.

As soon as I reached my dorm, the tears that were welling up inside of me broke free. Why? Why am I crying over him? Was it because… Was it because I – I-. No it can't be. It's not true, even if it were, since when? That day? No. It wasn't true, right? Right?

_You're lying to yourself. You know what the truth is and what aren't but still you keep denying the fact._

Who was that? Where did that voice come from? My tears didn't stop nonetheless I looked around trying to find the person. There was no one here except me but who said that? Was it really true? Was I really lying to myself? Was I really denying it? I didn't know anymore! My head hurt. I want to get out of here! Where was it? Where was it? Where was that damn blade?

Found it. I wanted to end my life now. But if I do that, then what will happen to Hotaru? To everyone? And more importantly to him? Do I really have the right to have this feeling? Do I really -? No. It was not true. This was just a dream, right? When I wake up, all of this will fade away, right?

_Stop lying to yourself. Just accept it. You bore feelings for him but he doesn't feel the same way about you. You're just his shadow spirit. A shadow that was always there but was never noticed, a spirit that always followed him around but was never recognized. You're a shadow spirit, Mikan._

It was that voice again. Where was it coming from? Shadow spirit? What was that? I didn't understand!

"Who are you?" I shouted. But no one answered. I clutched my head. One minute, I was trying to kill myself to break free of this painful world, but then, the mysterious voice came. What did it mean, anyway? What did shadow spirit mean?

_You're a shadow spirit_

_A shadow spirit._

_A shadow spirit._

_A shadow spirit._

It kept coming back to my head. Was it really true? That I was just his shadow spirit. But I can't understand. Did I? Did I really love him? Since when? Since that day? How come I never noticed it before?

"How?" I said out loud as if someone was going to answer me.

And someone really did. It was the same voice. _Because you're dense and naïve._

"Thanks for stating the obvious," somehow it or whatever it is – the voice I mean – changed my mood. Maybe, I'll live like this but still.

_Go on with your life as it is. But if you can't handle it anymore, just let it all flow out of you. Don't hide in the darkness, try opening yourself to everyone. Wipe that stupid façade and change yourself._

It was kind of weird that every time I _tried_ killing myself, there will always be someone who stopped me. Last time, an unknown voice stopped me from doing that and not to mention, it also helped me realize my own feelings. But it wasn't enough. I still felt miserable. The pain still hadn't gone. It was still there.

-x-

"Hurry up! Go and find him!" A girl suddenly shouted. She was running in front of me and not long after a group of girls followed her. All of them were holding chocolates on their hands.

What day was it today, anyway? Hmm… let's see. Oh! It was February 14, that meant. Oh-oh. I tilted my head left and right to see if there was any threat around. When I confirmed that there weren't any, I sighed.

"Thank goodness," Maybe, it's a bad idea because I saw the whole population of male students running in my direction while holding roses on their hands. "Stay away from me!" I shouted at them while they followed me. This was the reason why I hate St. Valentine's Day. It was because of those stupid fan boys.

I turned left and right until I reached a certain place. It was the sakura tree. I tilted my head once more and was glad to see that there were no people running around this area. I sat at one of its branches and felt the wind.

"What are you doing here?" A masculine voice said from above. I looked up and saw the person I loathed and loved the most.

"It doesn't concern you."

"It's _my_ place, polka. And wipe that stupid façade you're wearing, it doesn't fit you."

I was shocked at his statement. It caught me off guard but I didn't know that he was like that. I looked at him. Unfortunately, he was looking at me, too. I tried focusing on other things but my mind refused. What was wrong with me? Was this the effect of -? No. No. No. I shook my head and jumped down. Oh-oh. Wrong move. They were coming again! Ugh, I hated it!

-x-x-

"When will you notice my feelings for you, Mikan?" I jumped down from the tree and walked in the direction of my dorm.

After I got there I took out the razor blade I always carried with me and cut my arms. Of, course it was always deep but I avoided any veins.

"When are you going to notice? When?" I continued asking the wind. But just like before I never got a single answer. I've always loved her since the day I saw her. But when will she notice it?

_You're a shadow spirit, Natsume. You always were. A shadow that was always there but never notice, a spirit that always follows her around but was never recognized. You're her shadow spirit._

Who was that? Where did that voice come from? Shadow spirit? Was I really just her shadow spirit? This time I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. It was the only way I could ease my pain. I knew that smoking was bad for my health but feeling this pain was much worse than smoking and cutting.

-x-x-

Time really did fly fast, huh? Can you believe that we were already graduating? My friends still hadn't known about my true self. And I was not planning on telling them, maybe, one day I'll tell them. It was kind of hard to do the right thing.

I accidentally tilted my head to my right and that was when I saw him kissing another girl. I was wide-eyed and it felt as if my world shattered to pieces. My expression changed. It changed back to before. I felt betrayed, I was hurt, and depression was starting to eat me. The pains were coming back. I… I didn't want this anymore! I ran away, away from him, from them. Did I fall for him that hard, that it was enough to break my entirety?

I cried the pains out. I took my razor blade and cut not only my arms but also my legs and neck. I still avoided any veins. I watched as the blood from my arms and legs flow out freely. I watched as the blood stained my robe. I laughed to myself and cry.

-x-x-

I was kissing my current girlfriend when I heard footsteps running away. I broke free from the kiss when I caught sight of long auburn hair. Mikan?

"Natsume, where are you going?" she asked. I glared at her but she didn't budge.

"Get out of my sight. I only dated you because of boredom. Now, get the hell out of here before I do something to you," I said to her in a threatening voice. And it worked. She ran away, crying.

I ran and tried finding Mikan but I couldn't see her. Where did she go? When I reached the hallway, I saw her. Bloods were coming out of her legs and arms, even on her own neck. She was staring straight but tears were flowing out of her eyes.

She was crying but why? Was it because of -? No. Definitely not, I started walking to her direction. She didn't seem to see me because she stayed glued to the ground. Five more steps and I called her name. She responded. She looked up at me and was shocked to see me.

"Mikan," I said her name again. I continued walking to her but before I caught her she was gone, she teleported. "Mikan," I said one last time and started looking for her.

-x-x-

It had been five years since I saw everyone. Five years since I ran away from him. I continued with my life but I still hurt myself almost every day. It always soothed me in any way. It was always him who I loved. It was true that many tried courting me but I always refused them. I still continued wearing my façade but it didn't help.

I can't stop thinking about him. He was famous now. He was currently an actor but he also owned a successful company, while I was just a manager of some unknown company. I tried different things to forget about him but it didn't work. Maybe, it was one of the consequences of loving him. Maybe it was better this way.

He was getting married next month, which was February. It was kind of weird since he said before that the only person he was going to marry was the person he loves. I guess that girl was really lucky. Just think about it. That girl was no other than Sumire. Who would've thought that they would end up together? Natsume always hated her. He didn't even like her, for Pete's sake! Well, it had been five years, so I guess people changed.

I heard knocks on my door. I still haven't responded when I saw my door being cracked into two. I sighed. It was Hotaru again. She gracefully walked inside of my office.

"Hotaru, how many times are you going to break my door?" I asked sarcastically.

Practically, whenever she went here and knocked at my door, and when I didn't answer her right away, she'll knock it down.

"Fix it," I said to her. She took out some kind of a remote and pressed a button. Minutes later, my door was fixed. She really never failed to amuse me. Well, she was not Hotaru Imai, the famous inventor, for nothing. "What do you want?" I get straight to the point this time.

"Hyuuga is getting married," she said. I didn't respond or anything. I just looked at her as she sipped her tea that came from out of nowhere.

"Thanks for stating the fact."

"I know you loved him but I think it's wrong."

"I know, Hotaru. I understand."

"Stop hurting yourself. Don't cut anymore. Just because you have the healing Alice doesn't mean that I didn't know you cut. It always leaves a mark," I was shocked at her words. Since when did she know that I cut? I was always certain that nobody knows but how? "Forget him," she said before she walked out of my office.

How could I forget about him? I've always loved him since that day – the day when he save me from them. But it was always a one-sided love. It was always me who loved him. He was soft when it came to me – or I guess he was – but I hated seeing him in another girl's arm. I will always be his shadow spirit. I guess, it was right… that I will always be his shadow spirit. It didn't matter anymore.

I went home early that night but why was my chest hurt so much? Why? Why? I kept asking myself that question over and over again until I got tired. The opposite of the healing Alice! I inflicted the pain to myself and didn't endure. I focused only on the pain until my body felt weak. Bruises can be seen on my skin, cut marks were also visible. I smiled before I lost consciousness.

-x-

It was already February, and also the day I hated the most – St. Valentine's Day. It was also the day of his marriage. What was I doing here anyway? Ugh, I hated this place. Everyone here was so happy.

I started walking away when someone or something suddenly dragged me away. I struggled but he or she – or whatever it was – put a blindfold on me. I kept struggling but it was strong. It put me on a soft thing, which I concluded was bed. It untied the blindfold and the rope on my hands that I only noticed. It was… It was Hotaru's robot. Oh, I was so going to kill her.

"Mikan, I'm glad you came here," the criminal showed up. I glared at her.

"I didn't come here, and for your information your robot _dragged_me here."

"Change your clothes. Amanatsu, help Mikan," out of nowhere Amanatsu came and the robot dragged me again.

They forced me on wearing a simple white dress. It was accented at the top with a wide black band. It had a ribbon attached to it at the left bosom. The dress fell just below my knees. It had a black stripe at the hem and black spaghetti straps. It was cute. Amanatsu also _forced_me to put a three-inches white high-heeled sandals. She also put some accessories on me. She fixed my hair. It was left untied, anyway, but it was curled. I wonder what was happening.

"Hotaru, where are you taking me?" I asked the master mind. She glanced at me and stood up.

"Come on, there's no time to waste," I was dragged away _again._Just how many times was I going to be dragged away?

-x-

We reached the church where Natsume's wedding was going to be held. No. It was the last place I wanted to see right now.

I _tried_breaking free from the robot's grasp but my efforts came to nothing. I gave up and let them led me inside of the church. We sat at the middle. It was kind of weird because only a few came. It was almost like we were at the Academy again. The whole class 2-B was there. Some of our upperclassmen were there. Even our previous teachers were there. Weird, how come I couldn't see any celebrities or paparazzi here?

"Hotaru, why there isn't any celebs or paparazzi here?" I asked the one who dragged me here slash my best friend. There was a little smile on her face and it was creepy. I felt shiver run down on my spine. "Stop smiling. It's creepy," I said to her but she just smiled at me.

She looked at the altar and said, "Never thought that he could pull up something like this."

I looked at her and followed her gaze. He was there! He was wearing a white tuxedo and his hair stayed messy like before. He looked more handsome than the last time I saw him. He was looking this way! What to do? What to do? Oh my God! He was staring at me! I was getting nervous. Hey, wait! Why was I getting nervous? What was wrong with me? I said I was going to forget him.

"Hotaru, I'm out of here," I didn't wait for her to answer. I quickly walked out of the church.

I have no designated place to go. I kept walking and walking until I turned left and saw a beautiful garden. It was small and it had a fountain in the middle. It looked like a mini church, actually, because it had an altar at the far end. I sat at the edge of the fountain. I stayed there for minutes. Images of him kept coming back to me.

-x-

"Are you lonely?"a voice said behind me. I turned around and saw a boy around my age.

He had these bloody red eyes. His hair was black as a raven's feathers. I've gone berserk that time and didn't care who I killed. Maybe he's going to be one of them.

"Did they hurt you?"He continued. Did he even care that I could kill him? "Come with me. They're coming for you,"Who?

I was confused. He might have seen me confused, since he walked to me. I backed a little and glared at him.

I was going to attack him when a ball of fire was sent flying in my direction. I was startled for a moment and tried activating my Alice. It didn't work. Right then the ball missed me, I heard a scream behind. I turned around and faced the owner of the voice. It was a man in black. More came when they heard the man's voice. Who were they? Why were they here?

"Come now! They're going to kill you!"Huh? Me? They were going to kill me? What did I do to them? I found myself running together with the boy. He burned every one of them.

We came to a stop when we were sure that we lost them. I was panting and so was he. I looked at him and talked for the first time we met.

"Who are they? And who are you?"I asked him. He looked at me but didn't say anything. "Name's Mikan Sakura,"I introduced anyway. "Thanks for saving me,"I started walking away when he caught my wrist. I looked back at him.

"Natsume. Natsume Hyuuga. Come with me. We're going to the Academy. You'll be safe there," he said. What Academy?

"What Academy?"I voiced out my thought. We were walking for quite a while now. He didn't answer instead he kept going. Airhead!

-x-

That was right. When I came to the Academy they said that someone was after me. I didn't know who it was or why they wanted to kill me. I was cut off from my thinking when I heard the orchestra. Sumire must be here. I bet she was beautiful.

I took out my razor blade and cut the same parts I cut before. I cut my arms and legs and also my neck. Just like that day. I didn't know when my tears flowed out. It was kind of déjà vu. It was also because of him I did this. I was in that state when someone stopped in front of me. I looked up and saw him. What was he doing here?

"Mikan," he said my name. He had those concerned expression again. Jerk! I hated that! I didn't want his pity. "Mikan, why did you run?" he asked. It was because of you! "Why did you leave me?" Was he… hurt?

I looked straight in his eyes. And I was right. He was indeed hurt. "Natsume," I tried standing up but he pulled me down. He took out an Alice stone and put his hand to me.

What was he doing? My cuts! He must have had Hotaru's brother's Alice stone. After all the cuts were gone and the bleeding stopped, he wrapped his arms around me. What the -?

"I've always loved you, Mikan. Why did you leave me?" He… He loved me? "I'm always your shadow spirit. I never even get to kiss you or show my feelings to you."

"You… You loved me? But…but I thought -" Before I could say anything more he claimed my lips. The kiss was full of regrets and longing. He longed for me? I broke apart from him. "Since when?" I asked him. I wanted to know about that.

"Since the day I saved you," What? But I thought he didn't love me.

I thought he didn't care about me. Then that meant… after all this time, we loved each other and yet, we were afraid to say what we actually felt. If only I confessed to him five years ago, we would've been a happy family now. I might have stopped cutting myself. This time I was the one who hugged him.

"I love you too, Natsume! I've always loved you since that day! But how come you know about shadow spirit? I thought I will always be your shadow spirit," I asked him. I thought I was his shadow spirit. What was going on here? He didn't answer me. He knelt down and brought out a ring.

I'm not that dense to not know what it means. "Mikan, will you marry me?" As an answer, I kissed him on the lips. Maybe, Valentine's Day wasn't a bad day after all. I heard 'aww' and 'oh, they're so sweet'. Since when did they come here? And since when did the priest reach the altar? I looked at Natsume and he was grinning.

"I, getting married to Sumire was just a play to sue you. I tried kidnapping you but your best friend stopped me," He explained to me when he saw my expression.

I smiled at him, one of my true smiles and not the fake ones. About him knowing the shadow spirit and, all the things that happened in the past, all of it doesn't matter anymore. What matters now was my life with him in the future. We kissed again. It was a passionate kiss. It felt like as if we were the only ones who were there. As if there were no threats that could break us apart. I knew that I will always love him. I've known about that long ago. And I knew that he felt the same way too.

-x-x-

"It was you, right? The one who said to Mikan and Natsume about being a shadow spirit to each other," a voice from afar said to a girl with alluring amethyst eyes. The girl didn't look at him. He walked to her and stopped just beside her. She rested her head to his shoulder and smiled.

"It doesn't matter now, Ruka. They're happy now," She said and looked at the kissing couple in front. Ruka held her shoulder and let her face him. Her, being the genius as she was, leaned forward and met his sweet kiss.

"Being a shadow spiritis good, too," she said after they broke apart. Those words were caught by the wind and carried it. It passed the message to everyone. As the wind traveled, those words were going to accompany the wind.

**-End-**

**Dedicated to:: **Esa Marie (hanyaan)

**Edit:: **Finally! I proofread it and I found out that I made so many mistakes. Sorry about that! I guess there were still some mistakes and again, I'm sorry.

**Edit(2):: **September 30, 2011


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